Good and Bad

I believe that there is good that can come out of bad. The Priest at my church said so himself. "The weeds grow with the wheat" So wherever there is good there is evil and vice versa.

For months I have felt that I would have no one to spend my nights with once she's grown and off to college, or those days when she wants to sleepover her best friends house. I felt like no one would love me for I am broken. I am that discounted item in the clearance rack. For months I felt like Cupcake was going to have a mom who just pretended to be happy. I felt sorry for her.

Sometimes I feel like I was punishing her by not giving her what she deserved. She deserves all the happiness in the world. She deserves a mommy and daddy who love each other, she deserves....a family. For months I have been beating myself up for ruining that, for taking that away from her. How would I explain to her what I did? Would she be able to forgive me? Would she hate me?

I have tried for these past months to give her all that I could, even on the days where I felt like I had nothing to give...I gave her every ounce of me. I allowed the man who I had cared for so much, to be around me and my daughter while I was hurting, while I was dying a little inside each and everyday. Some people thought I shouldn't have allowed it. I needed to make a schedule when it came to visitation. I needed him to stay away long enough to help this bleeding heart heal. But...I...just....couldn't.

I know I was only hurting myself, I know I was only making the wound in my heart that much bigger, I know that I was letting my heart gush with heartache. But I also knew that from this pain, from the bad good will come of it. I knew eventually the blood pouring out, the hurt, the pain, the frustration, the agony would eventually stop. I knew this feeling wouldn't last forever. 

Don't get me wrong, even though I felt like this, you wouldn't have thought so by looking at me. I played it very well. I had to. I have a daughter who needs me. A daughter who should only see smiles and feel happiness when she sees me. I would do anything for her. And I have, I have been putting my heartache on the back burner to enjoy my daughter. Because even though I felt this way, I also felt happy when I am with Cupcake. Cupcake is all that I consider good. She is the light to my day, when I think all will go wrong, just one look into her big beautiful eyes and that feeling, that sick morbid feeling in the pit of stomach just goes away. She's like my drug, she is what I need to think that all is good in the world.

She is this little human being who has helped me get through  my days. She is what has helped me change little by little. She is what is bringing good into my life. It is her who is slowly sewing up the deep gash in my heart. She is filling my heart with wonderful feelings of love and joy. She is what gives me faith and hope. She is what is washing away the memories of the pain. She is bringing back the love I thought I had lost. She is giving me a family, all the things we thought we lost forever. She is reuniting me with Happiness.