This is really happening

I told myself in the begininng of the year that this would be the last year I worked at my day job. It is not because I loathe my bosses, it is because I still make what I make when I first got hired 5 years ago. It is because even though there is no money to pay me vacation time, holiday pay, sick pay or give me a raise my boss still manages to drive the latest and greatest Mercedes vehicle. Oh and his wife has a machine car too.

Besides I can't move up in this company. I'm pretty much stuck in this position forever if I stay here. Even though I love getting payed to sit on my ass and blog all day long or read up on all the latest celebrity gossip, it is my time to go. The end of October is my last day here. I am saddened yet super excited.

I finally get to spend more time with my growing toddler. Which today marks her 18 month birthday. Gosh in 6 months she will be 2 freakin years old!!!!! I feel like because of this morning job which I did need, I missed out on a lot of the Cupcakes life. 9 hours of her day where spent with someone who wasn't me. I hated that when I first left her but as time went on I started being okay with it because I had to. We need mommy to work so we can buy all the things we need.

Now I will still be working my nursing job at night, and probably working more often there now, but that's okay because I will be able to spend more time with my daughter.

All I know right now is that, the last day here will be like a breath of fresh air.

6 months

The cupcake went for her 6 month appointment on Wednesday and well it went okay. So far she is now 2 feet tall (24in) and weighs about 12 pounds. That's were the not so good comes in. She should have gained more, and should be closer to 15  pounds. Basically the doctor said she stopped gaining weight somewhere in between 4 months and now. So because of that she is suppose to take vitamins to increase her appetite. I have another appointment to check her weight in a month, hopefully she gains weight by then.


Anyways it has still been pretty hot and we try to stay as cool as possible. Last week cupcake and I went to visit our friend Tina. I went swimming while the cupcake lounged in her bumbo. We had a great time even though it was hot.


We are patiently waiting for the arrival of my favorite season...Fall. I love to see the leaves turn colors, I love the cool breeze and the layers of clothing. A few more weeks and I am hoping this heat goes away. Anyway I leave you with some funny pictures of the cupcake.

Goodnight everyone

Good and Bad

I believe that there is good that can come out of bad. The Priest at my church said so himself. "The weeds grow with the wheat" So wherever there is good there is evil and vice versa.

For months I have felt that I would have no one to spend my nights with once she's grown and off to college, or those days when she wants to sleepover her best friends house. I felt like no one would love me for I am broken. I am that discounted item in the clearance rack. For months I felt like Cupcake was going to have a mom who just pretended to be happy. I felt sorry for her.

Sometimes I feel like I was punishing her by not giving her what she deserved. She deserves all the happiness in the world. She deserves a mommy and daddy who love each other, she deserves....a family. For months I have been beating myself up for ruining that, for taking that away from her. How would I explain to her what I did? Would she be able to forgive me? Would she hate me?

I have tried for these past months to give her all that I could, even on the days where I felt like I had nothing to give...I gave her every ounce of me. I allowed the man who I had cared for so much, to be around me and my daughter while I was hurting, while I was dying a little inside each and everyday. Some people thought I shouldn't have allowed it. I needed to make a schedule when it came to visitation. I needed him to stay away long enough to help this bleeding heart heal. But...I...just....couldn't.

I know I was only hurting myself, I know I was only making the wound in my heart that much bigger, I know that I was letting my heart gush with heartache. But I also knew that from this pain, from the bad good will come of it. I knew eventually the blood pouring out, the hurt, the pain, the frustration, the agony would eventually stop. I knew this feeling wouldn't last forever. 

Don't get me wrong, even though I felt like this, you wouldn't have thought so by looking at me. I played it very well. I had to. I have a daughter who needs me. A daughter who should only see smiles and feel happiness when she sees me. I would do anything for her. And I have, I have been putting my heartache on the back burner to enjoy my daughter. Because even though I felt this way, I also felt happy when I am with Cupcake. Cupcake is all that I consider good. She is the light to my day, when I think all will go wrong, just one look into her big beautiful eyes and that feeling, that sick morbid feeling in the pit of stomach just goes away. She's like my drug, she is what I need to think that all is good in the world.

She is this little human being who has helped me get through  my days. She is what has helped me change little by little. She is what is bringing good into my life. It is her who is slowly sewing up the deep gash in my heart. She is filling my heart with wonderful feelings of love and joy. She is what gives me faith and hope. She is what is washing away the memories of the pain. She is bringing back the love I thought I had lost. She is giving me a family, all the things we thought we lost forever. She is reuniting me with Happiness.