I am allowed a moment

Have you ever had a moment where you sit there and say that someone else life is much better than yours. That it's not fair that they get to have the fancy house, the great job and super cute husband/wife and adorable kid with just as cute dog.

Well I had one of those moments. I am not proud of myself. I asked God to forgive me for being envious, greedy, and for any other sin I had committed for having this moment. This moment was being shared with Bubba. He got upset that I wanted what this one person had. But honestly, once I said it out loud and said what I envied  about her I realized I didn't really envy her as much as I thought I did.

She may have a handsome husband, an expensive large house, a super cute kid, nice cars, and a very well paying job. She doesn't have love in her life. I am not one to gossip but I have heard things and from the looks of things she isn't very happy. She may have all these things but she is not happy. I on the other hand am happy and realized that the only things I envied her for was that she is married, has a house to call her own and had a well paying job. I would like to eventually get married. I would like for the Bubba and I to make this relationship, this union, a blessed one. And what girl doesn't want that? I also want a house, not an overly large expensive one. I want a small cozy place that we can call home. I want a home so that our little family is living under one roof. What family doesn't want that? I want a well paying job so that I can support my family, so that the cupcake can always be clothed, fed, and kept warm. What mother/father doesn't want that? I have a great reliable gas friendly car that takes me wherever I want to go. I have an amazingly smart and super cute kid so those are things that I do not envy her for.

So if you come to think of it, I don't really envy her so much, it is what she has. And it isn't so much envy but wants and needs that many people like me have. I guess it's that she has it all or in her case mostly all. The Bubba and I love each other very much. We are trying more than our best to find better jobs so that we can afford a home for us, so that we can afford child care and food for our daughter. We are struggling with finding these jobs but we are definitely trying hard. This time right now, this struggle is definitely making our relationship stronger. It has made me see him in a totally different light. I see him as a man, a father that wants to do so much for us, he wants to provide the best. That right there is love. This struggle has definitely made me realize how much more worth it, our jobs, our eventually new home is going to be. How worth it it's going to be when he finally gets down on one knee. I trust and believe that the Lord has a plan for everyone of us. I have faith that this struggle, this pain is going to be rewarded later. I, we have to be patient and trust that it will all happen at the right time. I have faith in him, my Lord Jesus Christ, that he will not leave me in darkness but lead me into the light. He will answers  my prayers when the time is right.

He is never early and he is never late, but He is always on time.

Not enough of us

I was reading a blog (sometimes sweet) and she was talking about how she is vain in the sense that she deletes a lot of pictures with her in them that she thinks are not so flattering. She mentions how she is going to stop doing that.

I have the same problem. I take loads of pictures at a time so that I never miss a perfect moment, but sometimes that perfect moment is missed because of my vanity. There are some awesome shots but then you see my double chin or I have a droopey eye, or my arm is fat, or my gut is sticking out. It's so sad that little things like that matter to me now but wont matter later on. What will matter is that I don't have a print of that time we went to Disneyland and we're on its a small world or the time we were at the beach and the cupcake gave me a kiss because in those pictures there was some sort of flaw that I didn't want anyone to remember or see. Just like in (sometimes sweet) when we look back at old pictures we wont see the flaws but we will see the love and happiness in the images. You know, the stuff that matters and what makes us capture the images in the first place.

I am going to try my hardest to look past my imperfections in a picture and see it for what it is, a beautiful memory that gets to be remembered later on.

Things I can't say - I don't know what to call this

The Bubba and I have been off and on for almost 7 years. Our break ups were always short. The longest one was 7 months, which was a little before I gave birth a year ago. When we first started dating we were young and dumb. So a lot of the break ups were because of our immature attitudes. We were together for a solid 3 years before the last break up which was because I was a hormonal pregnant crazy woman and he was an immature, I want to be 21 forever douche. Once the Cupcake was born we changed into the people we are now. We have definitely matured A LOT.

Now we don't argue about the dumb stuff we use to. Everything so far has been great because our biggest issue before was communicating. Before, we use to just lash out and not talk about what was really going on so we would totally argue about dumb things that could have been settled by talking about what we were feeling. Anyway, we have definitely come a long way in that department which has made our relationship turn into something amazing. I love this man, more than he even knows. When we got back together this last time we made a promise to always communicate our feelings, to never have doubts, to always talk about everything. We vowed to fight for US, for the love that that we deeply have for each other. Since then we have had our arguments but we have learned to talk it out and find a solution to every problem.

For the first time in a long time we are really happy with each other. Well it has been like that for about 7 months now. We are already looking for new places to live, a place where we can call home. A place for our little family. I keep getting told that I do things backwards. Having a baby, moving in with the boyfriend, and then getting married. HA!  

Quick story. So like 2 years ago I went to Hawaii with the Bubba. We were still doing good at the time. Everyone from my mom, brothers, friends, cousins, etc. were telling me that I was probably going to come back engaged. That the Bubba was going to propose to me out there since we had been dating for a long time now and it was time. So with hearing all of this I started getting excited. I started thinking he was going to propose on the sandy beach while we were vacationing at one of the most beautiful islands. Well it didn't happen like that. I was so disappointed, which is actually an understatement. I guess everything happens for a reason right?

Back to now. The Bubba, the Cupcake and I have a trip to that same island next month. Yay! for vacations and Booo! for a 6 hour flight with a toddler. But even though I am super excited for this trip, I can't seem to let go of the feelings I had from when I returned with no ring on my finger the last time I went. Now, I know I sound like an idiot. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect him to propose in Hawaii on this trip or anytime soon. Come on, we just got back together a few months ago. But I guess my thing is, how long is it going to take him to figure out if he wants to marry me? When we got back together he told me he couldn't live without me and that the break up was really bad for him because he missed me. He told me he wanted me to eventually be his wife. I know that's not a proposal but still.

It's going to be 7 years and you still don't know when you want to marry me? Like why keep me around if you don't know. You should know by now right? He says we are meant to be together so then why not marry me. I SERIOUSLY SOUND SO WHINY I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM REALLY GOING TO SHARE THIS...but I just had to vent.

My friends tell me to propose to him, drop hints, tell him how you feel, etc. Honestly, I have dropped hints which get ignored. I am not going to propose because I don't want it to happen like that. I am still a girl after all. I have dreamt of how he would do it you know. Ugh! I know it is going to happen when I least expect it but I think about it a lot. I think about it when I see a lot of  my friends getting engaged, when I read that Snookie Snookie! for crying out loud, out of all people is getting married. She's trashy, slutty you name it and some guy wants to marry her.

Now please don't think my Bubba is a loser and just wants to be single forever and what not because he really spends all of his time with the Cupcake and myself. That's why to  me it only makes sense to just get married. He really is a great dad, a great boyfriend and great person all around. I just want to know what is keeping him from doing what I want so bad. Like if he knew I wasn't the one, he wouldn't have asked me to be his girlfriend again. Our relationship would have stopped at 1, 2 or even 3 years but its now going to be 7 years. So I mean what's the hold up?? We have even discussed the possibility of another baby, not anytime soon but eventually. Ugh!

I guess this post is all over the place. I am happy, there's no doubt about that. Marriage wouldn't change that, I always said I didn't need a piece of paper to tell us that we belong to each other. But I guess, I want it not only for myself but for the Cupcake. I want her to know we are married. I don't want to disappoint her in any way.

I just want to get over this whole I want to get married NOW phase. You guys have my permission to slap me.

Linking it up with :

Personal fact Tuesday : work

I'm a licensed nurse but I'm currently not working as one. I know I should but I keep putting off having to look for a job, I guess because II'm comfortable Where I am at. That is not a good thing, since the place I work at now doesn't pay very well, and since I'm a single mom I really need to be making more money. So I know I have to look for a job but I Just don't know when and where to start.

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Personal fact Tuesday : Ruffles

I despise ruffles

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Personal Fact Tuesday

My wittle chubby monster is now 3 months old. The newborn stage is my favorite stage and now that she's growing out of it, its kind of scarying me because I don't know how I'm going to do, with her getting all big. I love this little girl, I guess I should be looking forward to all the fun stuff coming up.

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Personal fact Tuesday

I really really hate pumping...enough said.

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Personal Fact Tuesday

Personal Fact Tuesday

I loved going out with my friends, drinking and dancing was what Friday and Saturday nights were about before Cupcake came along. I kind of miss it and I kind of don't. I do because I'm still young and want to do what young people do. But then I don't because I have something way better to do now, hanging out with Cupcake is much more fun and rewarding. She can always put a smile on my face, we can always dance to the music we like, and she makes me feel so happy its like a natural high. So the other stuff just doesn't do it for me anymore.

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